Day 68 - Poop'em All !!
Toilet Humor, Shitpost, Immersive Sim ·
Skeeter’s Take:
Welcome back to the History Channel! Tonight we have an epic tale. A tale so epic, that it makes Paradise Lost look like a little crybaby! Find out the true unfiltered history the government is too scared to show you! This is a true story: our advanced team of analysts have tirelessly researched important literature leaks that we received from an inside source within the CIA’s secret Vatican underground library. What you are about to see has never before been seen by the public. Join us tonight, as we take you on an epic journey, full of shocking twists, betrayal, and passion! Only on: The History Channel [Viewer Discretion is Advised]
It is 2065. Human cities have expanded to nearly every part of the globe. The once bustling jungles and forests turned to stone by the medusa’s gaze of human ingenuity and expansion. The lack of wilderness has forced many animal species into scavenging or stealing from the humans. In some cases, certain species have grown so desperate they have started plotting an all out attack in an attempt to reclaim some of the concrete jungle, and return it to the habitat it once was. The birds had reached their limit. They started organizing, and putting their brightest minds to the test - The Crows. They were to create a weapon so powerful that it could wipe out an entire human city with one fell swoop. Unfortunately, the birds could only work with biological resources, so they knew the delivery system would have to be something convenient. In a few months, the crows had created a weaponized birdseed that caused chemical reactions in a bird’s gut to create a devastating bioweapon to be released when pooping. They even figured out how to make the weapon unassuming to the human eye by disguising it like a familiar poop emoji:
These concerned little pyramids of waste were to be the Bird’s main weapon in the upcoming Bird/Man war.
The Bird Council thought long and hard about which species would take on the important role to help save Birdkind. After much deliberation, they made a vote between the crows or the pigeons. The pigeons won out in the end, as they were more accustomed to the populated metropolitan areas and wouldn’t draw much attention to themselves.
Our brave team here at the History Channel has assembled an authentic recreation that puts the viewer in the shoes of a bird soldier during the day of The Great Metropolitan War
You are as free as a bird, now! Or should we say, free as a pigeon?
And with that freedom comes a burden: poop. The birdseed the Council fed you this morning tasted like packing peanuts and rubbing alcohol, and your bird stomach is flying in knots. You can feel the weapon brewing. It is working. You keep your sole goal in mind: Hit as many humans as you can and get out alive.
Thankfully, you’ve had more time to prepare than the Emus, and even then, they ended up winning that conflict. You’ve been training for some time now on dummy targets and stupid finches (which BATO doesn’t officially recognize as birds), but today is the day you, and many many other pigeons have been training for. It’s a huge day for pigeons who have a bad reputation of being “sky rats” - you knew you couldn’t let your birds down!
Your target is the heart of one of the largest cities built upon the grave of the Amazon Rainforest: Amazon (no relation to Amazon). It’s a well populated area that will allow you to maximize the amount of human casualties:
You have prepared and trained for every kind of countermeasure the Bird Air Force could think of - thankfully “men popping out of apartment windows and half-assedly tossing apples and ‘lit-fuse-but-can’t-explode’ bombs in your general direction” was well covered in the bootcamp training courses. You were able to easily avoid any fruit or fake bombs that were tossed your way.
You see a flash of red as a “V” of cardinals shoot across the sky - the signal! It was time to drop the bombs! You relaxed, got into position, and fired.
Unfortunately, the emoji poop bombs felt just as useless as the human made bombs - they rolled off of every human that got hit. They could also be easily walked over without consequence. They just collected at the feet of the humans (along with the apples and bombs) as the humans continued about their day like nothing had happened.
Being hit with the WMDs only seemed to slightly agitate the humans, but nothing more.
And suddenly, everything went quiet. As quickly as it had begun, it had ended. That was it. The Great Metropolitan War would come to a close after both sides found their own tech too insufficient and dysfunctional to make an impact. Scientists and Birditists would be hung and dewinged in a public display of power, and to teach the others that the Council (on both sides) would not tolerate failure. To this day, it is still considered one of science’s biggest embarrassments.
Soon after, Conspiracies started to spring up. Some were saying a parrot spy leaked the plan to the humans and they had put something in the water supply that made humans impervious to bird poop. Others claimed the crows and the pigeons had conspired to make inefficient weapons as they secretly love the humans, their food, and their neat and shiny charms. Some would even say the reason the humans had terrible counter measures is: one of them saw a bird get hit by an apple falling out of a tree and deduced that apples are a bird’s secret weakness.
Future historians would not be ignorant to the larger role all this played in the rising tensions and the eventual sparking of the already overflowing powder keg of issues that led up to Birld War III.
Thank you for watching the History Channel! Join us tomorrow night at 7pm for an epic tale! He’s a warlock. But she’s an alien! They had a child and started a family! But life’s hard and humid in Bayou! Follow Zhigor and 01010011 01101000 01101001 01110010 01101100 01111001 on their adventures to adapt to a normal quiet life in the south. Perhaps the biggest challenge they’ll face - is parenthood! Tune into “Real Magic and Imaginary Numbers: Forbidden Love and Steamy Passion in the South - Family Edition”
Only on: The History Channel
Recommend: No
Replay Percentage Chance: 0%
Time Played: 2 Minutes
Sam’s Take:
I am like… 90% sure that if you fly to this spot you will never get hit by the people throwing bombs out their window:
You can then tap the spacebar for infinite poops, and thus, an infinite score. Between this and the pinball infinite last night, I’m starting to wonder if my superpower is QA testing free internet games.
I would like to kindly request a better power for my next life.
EDIT: I had this on in the background while typing this review and heard myself get hit, so I amend this. It took roughly 10 minutes for me to get hit, so if we assume this is the average then you can poop freely for roughly 40 minutes (due to our 4 lives). So not infinite, but still a lot of poop.
EDIT TO THE EDIT: Before posting, I wanted to make sure the game ended at 0 lives to assure the accuracy of the above edit. The game does indeed end at 0 lives, but while testing this I noticed another issue:
This is the lowest you’re allowed to fly in this game, which means when a dude randomly appears from the bottom level of windows, it is physically impossible for them to hit you with anything. Even the second tier of windows is a stretch (you basically have to be sitting above said window when the man pops his lil’ head out).
In fact, trying to get hit four times to test out how the lives system works was much harder than avoiding getting hit. Honestly, a death% speedrun of this game has a better structure/difficulty incentives than the actual game. Trying to sprint into bombs against the timer sounds way cooler than going to the top of the screen and hitting the poop button for 10 minutes before having to move 10 pixels to the left to avoid a bomb.
My best time is 33.78 seconds (actually an insane time, and my only sub-1 minute).
Recommend: Only if you’re attempting to beat my death% record
Replay Percentage Chance: Only if we compete to beat my death% record
Time Played: 15 Minutes
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