Day 42 - No Game No Life
Shooter, Nightmare Fuel, WTF ·
Sam’s Take:
Skeeter sent me a message around 2pm today asking “hey, what’s the most cringe anime?”. I in turn asked my coworker, who thought for a moment before confidently responding “No Game No Life”. Neither Skeeter nor I have ever heard of this anime, but Skeet went and searched itch.io for “No Game No Life” and found this… absolute gem.
I don’t know how to describe the surreal experience it was going into this game with no context. I started in what seems to be an abandoned parking lot, took 3 steps forward, then was immediately assaulted by three girls with cat ears sprinting at me and making kissing sounds. When they reached me my screen filled with lipstick marks and the game restarted.
At this point I found out you can shoot the cat girls with love hearts that bounce around seemingly forever. Due to the everlasting nature of these heart-projectiles, it causes the framerate to plummet the more you shoot. I tried to crash the game by shooting endlessly at a truck, but the game definitely kept running at 2fps, so it’s better than Fallout New Vegas in that respect.
If you make it to the end, there is one last bigger cat girl that takes many shots to take down. Once she falls… nothing happens. You can just roam around the now empty parking lot until you alt-tab out and force-quit the program.
I have no words… what could this anime possibly be about? Is this about someone who has to run away from kissing cat girls? I guess that would be a pretty cringe anime.
Please play this game, and let me know if you’re able to crash it! I’m going to try again right now.
Recommend: Absolutely
Replay Percentage Chance: 20%
Time Played: 10 Minutes
Skeeter’s Take:
As Sam has stated, neither of us have ever watched No Game No Life. I haven’t the faintest idea what it could be about. I’m going to try to predict what the plot is using only this game (No Game No Life) as reference.
The year is 3045 - A scientific breakthrough at the Hadron Supercollider managed to bring Anime Cat Girls to the real world from another dimension. The scientist that made the mathematical discovery that led to the breakthrough was hailed as a god. Weebs everywhere referred to him as “Weeble Wobble” because no matter how many times people told him Anime Cat Girls could never be a real thing, and he should give up on his dream of every being able to marry one, he’d weeble and wobble, but he would never let his dream fall down. He kept his fantasy squarely in his mind, and manifested it into a reality.
There was one problem, however. The Cat Girls kisses were toxic to humans, and much like a zombie hungers for brains, the cat girls would hunger for kisses from the soft lips of a human. Pandemonium hit the streets after Weeble Wobble went to greet the first Cat Girl - a massive purple haired girl that towered above him in size. Some say he was killed in one kiss, others say he was still being kissed well after he had passed on.
These monstrosities were never meant to exist in our world. They were an interdimensional invasive species that biologically would wipe out the human race if left unchecked.
Fast forward nearly 100 years in the future. The world has been reduced to an interlocking system of sculpture art that tries poorly to resemble skyscrapers. Cars and buses sit pristine, but abandoned on the empty street, a cat girl likely looming in wait behind any one of them.
There is but one hope - Flambar Simlarick. That’s right, Flambar Simlarick! Flambar Simlarick is one of the last remnants of humanity and also its only hope. Scientists spent years developing a sophisticated “Heartthrob” technology that would allow a human to shoot deadly hearts out of their hands. It was the one thing known to stop the cat girls. The cat girls were killing people with rampant lust, the only counter was pure hearts of love.
Flambar Simlarick wasn’t really chosen for this mission. The shadow government had many, many people lined up, but each one had fallen victim to the vicious cat girl smooches prior to launch day. Flambar Simlarick was one of the few expendable people left on this very small, gridlocked world.
Unfortunately, the Heartthrob technology was extremely experimental, and the only tests the scientists had run were on the few rats and pigs we had left in the world. After dipping his hands into the Hemoglobic Transfixium, Flambar Simlarick’s body painfully melted away and his consciousness was transferred to, well, his new pair of floating, amputated, magic Heartthrob arms and hands.
While seen as a mistake at first, Flambar Simlarick was inadvertently made into a super soldier as the cat girls could no longer kill him with their famous one hit KO super move: Smoochies On the Lips. It was instantly fatal every time. But now that he were just a disembodied pair of super arms, Flambar Simlarick could withstand many more kisses than previously. Like four. Or maybe five.
It was now Flambar Simlarick’s responsibility, whether he liked it or not, to take take back what was left of the world and defeat the cat girls once and for all. There was only one way to take out the cat girls, to kill their leader Mega Purple Haired Cat Girl. That’s right! The very same one that Weeble Wobble talked to on that wretched day.
Flambar set out into the empty streets to seek his destiny, and avoid any kisses along the way.
He did still have his virginity to protect, after all.
Recommend: I was laughing the whole time, but you have to have a certain taste for this kind of thing to be funny to you. If you’re a fan of Niel Breen’s magical work you might be the kind who can find beauty in a trainwreck - if that’s the case, maybe give this a quick spin.
Replay Percentage Chance: 4%
Time Played: 7 mins
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