Day 274 - World's Crossing Academy
Nudity, WTF, Mass Effect 3 ·
Sam’s Take:
274 days is a long time to review free games like this. I don’t want to exaggerate our level of effort here, obviously we phone it in some days. Even then I have to play the game, take screenshots, upload them to github, write the review, copy the reviews on Visual Studio, format everything, check on the test site, send it, and then send “LIVE” to Skeeter in a Discord message.
Even our dumbest reviews take some work for me, and after the initial glow of the project wears off, it can be hard to really dive in and write something useful, clever, or funny. Other times though, the world challenges you. It gives you something that you can’t quite fully dismiss, that makes you question your own views on games or criticism, and writing one sentence about it would be dishonest. So even at the point where motivation is at its lowest, this project can force me out of my zombie state and force me to look inward even at 9pm after a long work day.
Yesterday we reviewed a small game-jam game called Polilla. It wasn’t substantial, but it was coherent and someone probably learned something while making it. I made the point in that review that we should celebrate artists making shit for free and sharing it with us. Maybe our own criticism is pointless with this type of art. Whether we play it or not, there’s bravery and vulnerability in sharing art:
“Maybe that’s the underlying moral of this whole review series. You can just make shit, and maybe posting it is good just to get through the wall of being scared to share your stuff”
Yesterday the Game Gods read that review. They talked amongst themselves for a bit before turning to me and whispering “no”. Today they sent me World’s Crossing Academy, and my lust for criticism has returned tenfold. I again have purpose, and that purpose is to destroy World’s Crossing Academy.
After a 2 gig download (what fucking resolution are these PNGs?!) and 10 minutes of extracting files, I am immediately assaulted by two warning screens. The first is innocuous enough, just a warning that despite this game NOT BEING A PORN GAME (please scroll up to image 2.b) there is lewd content, and therefore we should be 18 or older before playing. It was the second warning screen that was much more concerning:
We almost canceled the review here. Maybe we should have. I’ll let you know that we did not get far enough into the game to see any of the questlines or even meet these characters, but if we had, I don’t think skipping the quests would be enough for me to feel okay about the whole situation. “This game aims to have something for everyone” is a fucking horrifying phrase to put in the same paragraph as “you will meet several characters small or petite stature”.
Skeeter and I talked about either just reviewing up to this warning and doing a joke “NOPE” style review, or just finding a new game. Since I had waited so long for the download and unzip though, I decided to at least play the first scene or so and see if there was anything worth talking about. What I found was the richest vein of reviewable gold I’ve seen in my lifetime.
The first thing I did was check the settings. Already, I was dying:
Why is this setting here if it doesn’t do anything yet? Can’t you remove it instead of telling me it doesn’t work? Also wait, who would be playing this at work anyway? If my boss comes by and is like, “wtf is this shit Sam”, I don’t think my career would be saved by “don’t worry boss, I turned on SFW mode”.
Then I tried to get on to the game proper, but the author had something to say before I did that:
Okay that’s fine, I’d argue that you can let the game speak for itself, but if you’re way more confident in the latter half of your game I guess a disclaimer doesn’t hurt anyone… Then they continue to explain their lighting engine for 5 slides:
Then the dev stunlocked me with a move I had never seen before:
Hitting me with the “I promise it gets better later” before I’ve even had a chance to start playing is the least confident move I’ve ever seen in my life. At this point I’m already furiously typing to Skeeter “I’m sorry, we have to review this”. I don’t even need to play the game, this intro alone is already solid gold for a free daily review site, but then it didn’t stop. Nobody told them “hey bud, you need to stop”:
Uhh okay, I didn’t say that I was, you could just show me this in the game if you-
That’s fine, I’ll figure it out, I’ve played games before, I know how stories and characters work, you can start the-
I’m not kidding when I say this goes on for about 20 screens. It is completely unhinged. This dev is more fascinating than any character they could possibly ever write. Before the game has even started I’ve been hit with the self-righteous “don’t judge me for my technically not pedophilia” screen, turned around into “sorry my game suckz 🙁 🙁 🙁 I powwomice it gets better later”, seamlessly into the “YOU FOOLS WON’T EVER UNDERSTAND MY DEEP AND COMPLEX CHARACTERS, ALLOW ME TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOUR FEEBLE MINDS!!!!”. At last, we end with the final stage of grief, acceptance:
So what is this game? The game that isn’t a porn game, but does contain lewd content? The game that needs to let me know very loudly how 18+ its characters are? The game that is both a shining beacon of thoughtful characters and interpersonal intrigue, while also being total dogshit until episode four?
It’s the same “down on his luck protagonist inexplicably being desired by every woman in the world” story we’ve seen in every other porn game.
Complete with a text conversation where the protagonist proves he’s a good guy because he doesn’t ask for nudes, while also establishing the start of its men’s-rights plot thinly veiled by the plot-artifice of a sexist university:
Yesterday I was willing to give every game dev a pass. The new-learners, the shit-posters, the copy-cats, all of them. I was going to renounce my critical ways and just basic in the infinite bliss of creation.
VictorSeven, lead developer on World’s Crossing Academy, I want you to know that if I had played the start of your game without the warnings/disclaimer, I wouldn’t have written any of this. I wouldn’t have gotten far enough into the game to see the totally-of-age content, and I wouldn’t have gotten to know you as a person. However you insisted that we sit down and chat before I played your game. You told me all about your great protagonist, your bad lighting engine, and how no one will understand your work.
I’m here to tell you that your work is not new. It is not complicated. It is a fantasy of a self-inserted dweeb being pursued by all the hotties. Saving the nipples until later in the game does not change the fantasy. It is okay to not be great at writing yet, it’s okay to mess up your lighting. Hell, it’s even fine to write a power fantasy game where you are liked by hot people, there’s nothing wrong with being embarrassing. You have to stop telling me that your characters are so complex before making this though. Whether you trust your art of not, the best choice is always to let it speak for itself, because without your intro the game says “I’m not a good writer yet, but I’m learning hornily”. With your intro it says “I am completely delusional about my skills as a creator”. You have made your faerie porn game 800% more embarrassing, and that’s an impressive feat.
Hot girls telling you that you’re sooooo incredible 2 minutes into your game makes your game a porn game. I wouldn’t be this mean, but you don’t come off as the type of person to listen and learn if I’m being honest. You seem more like the type of person who thinks I don’t know what a character arc is.
Also no disclaimers will make this girl 18 you fucking prick.
Recommend: Click play game just to read their insane game description. Don’t actually download the game though please.
Replay Percentage Chance: NONE
Time Played: 20 Minutes
Skeeter’s Take:
Man, I was all ready to flame Sam for his choice today. Especially when he sent me the screenshot for the game’s thinly veiled excuse for pedophilia - if your characters look like children, no amount of big text telling me “These are not children” is going to change my mind on this.
Thankfully, you don’t have to play this game. In fact, I encourage you to do the opposite. I would encourage you to play the introduction to this game, and stop immediately once the game starts.
Because the introduction to this game is one of the most baffling things I’ve seen.
Before I get too far into that, I have to mention - on the itch.io page, this game claims it is “Not a porn game”:
Click “Start” and the game starts off on this bizarre name entry/character/softcore goblin porn screen:
Very excited for Story Arc 1: Janitor!
I was then asked this very strange question - I think it’s asking for a pet name that annoys you, but the phrasing is odd. Maybe my reading comprehension is odd:
I want you to put yourself in the shoes of the typical Joe that would play this kind of game in their spare time. What do you think you would go into this game hoping to see?
Would it be a 10 minute long introduction from the developer explaining every aspect of this game before you ever get to gameplay?
Directly after the name entry screen, we are met with every anxiety this developer has ever felt about releasing this game to the public. We are met with a slew of unnecessary information about the characters, the developers thought processes during production, their philosophy on the game design, etc. Honestly, there are so many baffling “confessions”, I don’t have time to go through everything. I’ve selected some of my favorite highlights below:
And perhaps the most confusing one of them all:
HOW IS THERE A DIFFERENCE??
But my favorite, by far, appeared in the middle, breaking up the miles of white text on black background.
First, we were prompted by a paragraph about how the developer has improved in lighting skills:
To then be given an EXAMPLE of the lighting difference. I want to remind you, this is an intro to a “Has sexual content” game:
I was already never going to play further than the intro for this game. I am not playing anything that tries to claim it’s not a porn game, and features children while trying to hide behind the “She’s a 100 year old vampire that doesn’t age” bullshit excuse. Fuck that. Fuck this game. But this intro is something else. It’s such a baffling choice that it needs to be gawked at and sent to a PT Barnum Circus where good citizens can pay 35 minutes of their time for a 2 GB download of developer commentary.
Recommend: Skeeter forgot to fill in this part of the review
Replay Percentage Chance: Will Sam ever tell him? Will he ever notice?
Time Played: No and No
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