Day 25 - Space
Shitpost, WTF, Nightmare Fuel ·
Sam’s Take:
In our last series of reviews, we played a few pornographic games. I believe the first one came up with the random game button, but we did a few of them partially because of the shock value of it, but also because no one really talks about those types of games seriously. There’s a whole host of pornographic games using characters from other media, which then are sold for money which is strange, there’s ones that have a lot of buildup and seem strangely high effort, the spectrum of pornographic games is fascinating, and I think we should all be above pretending they don’t exist. I want to talk about them like I would talk about any other game. If they’re embarrassing, let’s talk about it, if they make me laugh, let’s find out why. If they are high effort and worth discussing seriously, then let’s discuss them seriously.
Unfortunately, the game I picked and played all the way through pulled a move so disgusting that I would have had to cover this page with trigger warnings and not linked the game. I don’t want to deal with that shit (or put anyone else through that shit) for our silly once a day review project, so now instead you’re getting space:
The guy who made Clown made a 3D game where you walk around and jump. There’s also a ninja and a princess or something. That’s it. I wasn’t going to do this, but because some horrifically sexist shitbird made a game that legitimately ruined my afternoon, you all get Space:
Holy shit! It’s Space! This game is actually nothing, but it doesn’t make me want to cry, so now it is Space. I didn’t want it to be this way, but unfortunately it is Space.
I was able to run up here! Hell yea Space! We could have been talking about the funny boobie game with exquisitely bad writing, but it had to go and pull that shit, and now I’m talking about Space. In this other game you could talk to people, but you can’t talk to the ninja or the princess or the ninja in this one. Boy, it sure would have been more interesting to talk about that other one. We would have had a blast, laughing at the dialogue, the characters, the concept of the whole thing, but now I can’t in good conscience link it on this website. Great, now I have to talk about Space. Fucking Space.
Oh, are you bored right now? You’re not super interested in our take on Space?
You haven’t seen what I’ve seen. All you’ve seen is Space. Be fucking greatful. I did this for you.
Fuck my life.
I’m so sorry Skeeter. I’ll never make fun of you for picking bad games again.
Recommend: No
Replay Percentage Chance: 67%
Time Played: 1 Minute
Skeeter’s Take:
I’ve heard people say, “Love at first sight”, but I’ve never heard someone say it was “Love at second sight” and that should change. Space was a bit of a wild child - a rough past. Described itself as a “Party Game”:
Space wasn’t great at first impressions. Upon loading in, I was met with the following:
“Ok? So I’m a little girl, and that’s… assumedly my mother? And we are, in a playground?”
Despite the obvious foreshadowing of my “Mother” being dressed in 18th century clothing, I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I ran around, awkwardly controlling this lanky girl with the funniest run sequence I’ve personally seen in a game (intentional or not). I jumped on the red wall, the yellow stairs, and the blue ramp. I couldn’t jump on the obviously-shaped, escalating-in-size, don’t-you-want-to-jump-on-me, blocks on the right on the map, so what was the point?
But as soon as I saw a ninja calmly walk out from behind the red house which resembles the exact house we all drew in third grade (minus the windows and the crayon), and clip himself into the red play wall next to it, I knew I was in for something special.
This intrigued me to no end. Here I was, naively believing this was some playground/school house with a mother/daughter or teacher/student, and then this fucking ninja wanders in and just phases himself into the wall. What is this game? What does all of this mean? Why the hell is there a Ninja? I tried colliding my long legged spider of a character into him thinking he was an enemy, but nope. He just stood there, half-infused in my once innocent play structure taking in the nice, lovely sight of good ol’ red. I tried falling on him by climbing my play structure and jumping off, only to find myself phasing through him. This was the best ninja I had personally ever seen. He couldn’t be touched! The exception being the wall. Giving up, I left the ninja to do… whatever it was he was doing, and focused on my next goal. How could I get on top of the house? I had already tried in vain to leap from the play structure to the roof while exploring earlier. The white blocks, there has to be a way to get up the white blocks. It was around this time I realized the ninja had moved.
I had no idea how he had moved, but this was my opportunity. I had to see if I could ride him to the white stair blocks. And it turns out…
It doesn’t really work.
So, if I happened to stand on his head, I would phase through. But I could stand on his arm, and then be bounced off shortly after. But that gave me an idea.
I still had a mother.
Feeling triumphant, I stood proudly upon my mother’s blonde dreadlocks. Now what? She couldn’t move, so why did this matter? It didn’t. Well, not immediately.
Some of you may have noticed - the ninja moved again. Ok. How was that happening? That’s when I noticed something. Each time I had taken a screenshot, the ninja moved.
It was my mouse. Every time I clicked out of the window to click my snipping tool, I had to click back into the game. So I now had control of 2 characters, both of which I would rather not be controlling, but hey, we were getting somewhere.
But I had forgotten dear, old mother.
Some divine hand must have reached down on that day, and pressed “I” on my keyboard, blessing me on this, the Saturday of 25ths.
Because dear old mother, went sliding.
And sliding… And… you get it
Turns out the, “I” and “K” keys send mother sliding infinitely in an either forward or backward direction (depending on where she’s facing) and the “J” and “L” keys to rotate her either left or right. Mother was running on Tank controls and greased hallways, but we could control her. And we could stand on her. Unfortunately, when mother slid off the map, she also slid through the map, making her effectively half her height, which was not ideal for my mission. I slid her back to the playground, but it was by that time I had realized I was grinding her further into the void below my playground’s beautiful green lawn. She was only a head. I wasn’t about to let my journey end there, though. I hit f5, reloaded the game, and got to work.
Since mother sliding around the ice rink lawn was near uncontrollable, I figured I had to use the ninja to “block her” like those sliding ice/rock puzzles.
And he phased right through her. I should have known better, but I will never learn. I tried jumping on top of her head, and sliding her over to the blocks, but I fell right off while mother careened ceaselessly into the night. And that was it. My last hope, gone. I went looking for answers but all I found was…
Space
But once again, I had forgotten dear, ol’ mother. And I had neglected my new found ninja friend. Most of all, I lost myself.
Space was always upfront about who it was at its core. They told us all about who they were when we first met. I was just too blind to my own selfish desires that I tried to change Space. I tried to treat Space like a platformer. I tried to treat Space like a puzzle game. But I didn’t treat Space as it wanted to be treated. Space was always a party game…
It told us from the start.
Player 1: Awkward running girl - WASD
Player 2: Ninja - Mouse
Player 3: Mother - IJKL
Player 4: The friends I lost along the way - Me
Recommend: I had an amazing time. Please invite your friends over for a multiplayer video game session, and have them huddle around your PC monitor while you and one of your friends play on your keyboard, and the other on the mouse. The fourth friend can sit on the floor and be glad they aren’t playing Space.
Replay Percentage Chance: 100%
Time Played: 20 minutes
Sam’s Re-take:
Skeeter’s investigative journalism has moved me to tears. The fact that you can move all three characters changes everything. I hereby amend my review to give this game my full recommendation.
God Bless Skeeter, God Bless Space
Random Review